take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
