Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
