I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
