i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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