Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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