My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Alive.
So much puke
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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