4 words: hood of his car
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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