I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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