I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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