Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
