guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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