He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
