he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
