brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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