You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
