call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
