I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You can't special order awesome
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
