Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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