when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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