I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
