Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
