Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
