Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
don't judge my taste in strippers
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
