So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
