he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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