You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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