I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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