if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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