$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
