I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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