so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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