you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
