I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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