In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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