i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You're like the curious george of whores
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
