Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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