It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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