so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
