ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
