He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
