Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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