how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
