I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
