I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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