She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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