do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
