I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
