I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
