fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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