How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
